Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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