Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
