She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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