I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just invented taco cereal.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
