sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Randomize
