She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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