Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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