i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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