If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
did i just pee glitter
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
