I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize