and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
