I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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