Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
