the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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