okay pat passed out under dana's car
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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