My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
