I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
