woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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