My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
