so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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