Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
