So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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