woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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