I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
