is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Randomize
