WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
