my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
