if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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