apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
