So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
