just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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