You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
