nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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