My hair reeks of homosexuality.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
a search helicopter?!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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