The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
