Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
