BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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