I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Randomize