im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize