The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
So vagazzling was a success
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
