I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
