franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
