dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It's Friday. Sex?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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