You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
