Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He did a backflip because drugs
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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