that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
