Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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