i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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