if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
