Do you still have your period?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I still have a little drunk in my system
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
