you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
