I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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