He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
