remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
