is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
