Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
