Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
