If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize