if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
