Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
