Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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