just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
