I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
