I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
